Excuses and the trouble with quitting

From the time I started on my previous post until about an hour ago, I didn't smoke. Granted, I was asleep half of the time. But I did manage not to smoke for about 5 hours of being awake. Then I got up after napping and boom...the little nicodemon got me yet again.

I think that part of my problem right now is that my smoking is only having minor affects on me healthwise. I haven't had to use my daily asthma inhaler in over 3 months now. I haven't had an actual asthma attack this year. (Removing most carpeting from my house in the fall seemed to really help.) My coughing isn't bad and it doesn't wake me up.

So the little nicodemon is playing mind games with me. As much as I want to stop and I know the damage, the signs of it killing me right now aren't staring me in the face.

This will sound awful but if I were sick right now, this would be so much easier.

There's a great site that gives a little too much of a reality dose of what smoking does to you. The pictures and stories there look almost staged they are that gruesome. If that is what smoking does to you, then why don't they show us stories and pictures like this ("they" being everyone that says we need to quit). Sure, there are a lot of PSA's that tell us we shouldn't smoke, that smoking causes health issues, etc... but why not just put it right in our faces. They do that to some extent with cigarette packages here in Canada with the gruesome pictures. But that doesn't do it. Seeing the savage effects of cancer and knowing the personal story of a whole person humanizes it. It makes it more real. The pictures on the cigarette packages of someone's mouth or a cancerous lung... what exactly is that supposed to do?

Part of my fear right now is wondering right now if it is already too late. Do I have cancerous cells already growing in my body somewhere? I've already stared two types of cancer in the face myself - skin cancer and cervical cancer. Obviously that wasn't enough encouragement or enough of a scare for me to quit.

I know that even if I already have precancerous cells, chances are that if I quit before they actually become cancerous, with the wonders of how the body works - I'll be okay.

I hate that I smoke. I hate the hold that cigarettes have over me. Even after so many years of being a smoker (21 versus 16 of not smoking), I don't see myself as a smoker.

Sigh.

If you've ever smoked or you might smoke now.. you might know the panic or anxiety that comes with running low on cigarettes. I buy cigarettes by the carton. I never let myself go down to less than 2 packs and here I am with one pack on hand. The weather is nice, so I can just take a walk to the store to get some if I run out.

The way smoking preoccupies the thoughts of smokers - especially those of us who really want to quit - is sad. So much time, energy and thought wasted on such a stupid stupid habit.

Part of me feels like I need a game plan. I make plans - lists - everyone that knows me well jokes about how anal I am about making lists. They tend to work for me. In this case, I've tried the lists and plans before and they haven't worked.

Am I just making a bigger deal out of this than it needs to be? If I quit cold turkey, I'll have a few rough days and then it will get easier as long as I take it minute by minute.

My doctor gave me a prescription for Elavin - a mild dose - and told me to take that before going to bed and do a combination of patch and gum. The Elavin is supposed to help with me sleeping. When I've used the patch before, it worked well for me except that I had wild dreams if I wore it when sleeping. I also had problems with getting pains in my arms if I didn't rotate them enough. My first experience with the patch stopped when I started to get nose bleeds. That was scary! My doctor at the time (different one than this one) thought it was because I was getting in too much nicotine.

I guess what I'm getting at here is that it's hard for me to make a plan because I can't predict how I will be affected by the steps I take in order to stop. I can't predict nose bleeds from wearing the patch. That happened once. I got a sore jaw from the one time I tried nicotine gum. I already related my experiences with anxiety attacks on Zyban/Wellbutrin.

I do know that I have 2 issues to tackle at the same time - adjusting to not smoking itself. The habit cigarettes. And then the addiction component.

I know all the arguments about why NRT isn't a good thing. Best just to get the nicotine out of your body once and for all. I know the success rates are lower than cold turkey with education. Bah. I just want to get this over and done with in the 'easiest' way I can. I just don't know what the easiest way is.